6-26-07

Today is my oldest daughter's birthday. Happy Birthday, Leah, we are very proud of you and we love you very much!

I kinda feel like I got the gift however, because the themed entries in this puzzle are all --

whoops, almost forgot --

EVERYDAY SPOILER WARNING: Don't read any further until you've done today's New York Sun Crossword Puzzle. New York Sun puzzles are every bit as fun and challenging as the more well-known New York Times and they're indisputably better in one way -- they're free. If you'd like to read about an unbiased head-to-head competition between the Sun and the Times check this out. Or if you're ready to decide for yourself you can download this puzzle and join in on the fun here.

TODAY ONLY SPOILER WARNING: Things are about to get very corny.

Anyway, the themed entries are all punchlines to corny jokes -- and you know how much I love corny jokes. Actually, they're not the punch line; they give you the punch line in the clue. You've got to go back and fill in the collective noun part of the "How many whatevers does it take to screw in a light bulb?" It's kind of like a cross between "Hee-Haw" and "Jeopardy."

I'm going to unweildyify the clues somewhat and just do 'em all in joke format.

17A: How many ZEN MASTERS does it take to screw in a light bulb? "Two -- one to change it and one not to change it." (An alternative answer to this one -- "None, Zen masters carry their own light." Or you could forget the light bulb angle and go with my favorite Zen joke.

The Zen master went up to a hot dog vendor.

"What'll ya have?" asked the pork peddler.

"Make me one with everything," replied the Zen master.

After the weiner wagon man made him a hot dog the ZM gave him a 20 dollar bill. When no change was forthcoming he asked the merchant about it, and he said, "Change must come from within."

23A: How many PROGRAMMERS does it take? "None, that's a hardware problem."

35A: How many PSYCHOLOGISTS does it take? "One, but it has to really want to change." This is a very old joke. Do psychologists even try to get anybody to change anymore? Don't they more often try to get people to accept themselves for what they are, or failing that, take medication for the rest of your life that will keep those scary feelings far enough away that you don't ever have to confront them?

48A: How many SURREALISTS does it take? Fish. (There are an unlimited number of alternative responses to this joke. Here's one of them: "Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.")

56A: How many NEW YORKERS? "None of your #$%@& business!". Well, that sure makes me excited about coming to Brooklyn for the 2008 American Crossword Puzzle Tournament. I live in Charleston, South Carolina, which is consistently listed as the politest city in America, so it'll be a real culture shock for me.

BTW, I guess every state has their own light bulb jokes, some would only make sense to residents of that state. Here's a few:

Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.

Q: How many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't know for sure, they're still counting.

12D: How many MARXISTS? None, -- the bulb contains seeds of its own revolution.

35D: How many PLUMBERS? One -- but that's just an estimate.

I'm gonna go try and figure out where the last 18 years went. I'll leave you with a few more light bulb jokes.

Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32.......

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's condition is improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are totally unfounded, and the result of delusional "spin" assaults from the fanatic, elitist, liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably and anything you say undermines the lighting effect and dims its ego. Why do you hate freedom?

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS #@*$!#@ HOUSE!