Books I've read in 2007, part 7

Wasn't much reading involved here, as this is a book of photos of people kissing. I got it because Tom Robbins wrote the introduction, and he does not disappoint as he makes a strong case for the kiss being mankind's greatest invention.

Books I've read in 2007, part 6

This book did what I wanted it to do. I wanted to learn more about the American Crossword Puzzle Tournament that I will be attending next month. And I do feel like I have a better idea about what to expect, and I did pick up a few pointers about tournament strategy. So I guess I liked the book -- but I didn't like the author -- mainly because he kept making excuses for his (relatively) poor showing in the tournament. If he said that he should have trained with paper and pencil not on the computer once he said it a thousand times -- and he definitely said it once.

Boobs --- in bras and bars

Okay, I need some help here. I cannot figure this out. Thee Southern Belle has an amateur strip contest and the grand prize is a boob job.
Does that make any sense to you?
If you win the contest, doesn't that mean your boobs are pretty impressive and don't need to be surgically altered? Shouldn't the boob job should go to whoever comes in last? then it would be a real booby prize.

Books I've read in 2007, part 5

Pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training next week.
Hallelujah!!
So it's time to throw out your Parka and your TheraFlu and your Ricola cough drops, and get ready for apple pies, hot dogs, blessed sunshine and baseball. And of course one of the cherished rituals of all real baseball fans (i.e. not bullies and cheaters) is despising the accursed New York Yankees. If for some reason you're having a little trouble working a full hate-on for the Bronx Bummers -- after all the Evil Empire is not what it once was, they haven't won a World Series this century (let's keep it that way) -- then this book will get you fired up all over again.

Thoughts as Spring training (finally) nears

I have way too many calendars -- I have a Simpsons calendar, a Get Fuzzy calendar, a Gustav Klimt calendar, a New York Times Crossword Puzzle Page-a-day-thingie, a Gil Elvgren pin-ups calendar and a baseball hall of fame calendar. I have this many cuz when they go on sale for a dollar I stock up. It's true I don't have enough walls to hang all of them, but they're all different. I just noticed looking at the baseball one, that yesterday (Feb 6th) was Babe Ruth's birthday. He would have been a hundred and 12 if he had just taken better care of himself. And the day before that was Hammering Hank Aaron's birthday -- he turned 71. I just thought it was odd that this two men who are linked together forever in baseball lore both have birthdays right in the middle of my previous sun sign, Aquarius.

Books I've read in 2007, part 4

Bill Bryson is one of my favorite writers. He's a linguist and a travel writer; I guess his most famous book is "A Walk in the Wooods" which is an account of his attempt to walk the entire 2,174 mile-long Appalachian Trail, but all of his books are good. Here he talks about growing up in Iowa in the 50s. Nothing much happens, he has a paper route, he loves to read comic books, and every year at the state fair he tries to get into the strip show -- but Bryson is such a great stylist that it's always fun to read, no matter what he's writing about.
Here he talks about candy:
"Perhaps nothing says more about the modest range of pleasures of the age than that the most popular candies of my childhoood were made of wax. You could choose among wax teeth, wax pop bottles, wax barrels, and wax skulls, each filled with a small amount of colored liquid that tasted very like a small dose of cough syrup. You swallowed this with interest if not exactly gratification, then chewed the wax for the next ten or eleven hours. Now you might think there is something wrong with your concept of pleasure when you find yourself paying real money to chew colorless wax, and you would be right of course. But we did it and enjoyed it because we knew no better. And there was, it must be said, something good, something healthily restrained, about eating a product that had neither flavor nor nutritive value."

P.S. to the Previous Post

Gail Parent (the author of "Sheila Levine is etc., etc.") also wrote a couple of books -- "David Meyer is a Mother" and "The Best-Laid Plans" -- that I have very fond memories of. But now I'm not sure I want to seek them out and reread because I'm afraid that time may have hurt them the same way it hurt Sheila Levine. They may have somehow gotten less sexy and less funny than they were back in the 70's and 80's.
On the other hand, Gail Parent was also the head writer for "The Golden Girls," one of the great sitcoms ever. And she also helped create "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" and wrote for the "Mary Tyler Moore Show".
I'll give her another chance.

Books I've read in 2007, part 3

This was one of my favorite books when I was in the 9th or 10th grade. I thought it hilarious and very sexy -- so sexy that I took it to school and had classmates read some of the "goood parts." I've been looking for this book for years, and I finally found it a couple months ago at a book store in Myrtle Beach.
But in rereading it, I found it hard to remember just what those "good parts" were. It doesn't seem sexy nor particularly funny -- a young woman nearing thirty decides to kill herself because she is unmarried and nobody really notices that the poor girl is depressed. Now part of the reason that I didn't find this book-length suicide note as uproariously funny in 2007 as I did in 1974 is because I used to be in the second category of Jean de la Brevure's famous quote ""Life is a tragedy for those who feel, a comedy for those who think" - and now I find myself more and more of a feeler rather than a thinker -- which sounds like I grope women on the bus or something, but I just couldn't laugh at this. It seemed too tragic. I kept thinking she needed to quit worrying about getting married and get on with her life.
Maybe another part of the problem is the cover of the new edition which shows a Twiggy-like model nothing at all like the zaftig Ms. Levine.
One other thing I remember about this book was how excited I was when the movie based on the book came out -- and how disappointed and angry I was after watching the piece of celluloid crap that had nothing to do with the book other than the title. I have never trusted that any movie based on a book will be any good from that day on. And in fact now when I find a book I love, I just hope and pray that they won't make a movie of it.

Books I've read in 2007, part 2

This one required a pretty substantial suspension-of-disbelief quotient, as I really don't believe killers who take pictures of their victims and sometimes of the murder itself would take those pictures to be developed at a public photo lab -- but if they did and if the proprietress were an amateur sleuth then the rest of it makes sense, and it becomes a pretty exciting story

Talk about an oxymoron!

There's no such thing as Conservative Rock and Roll because rock and roll is about sex and drugs and change, and conservatism is about abstinence, sobriety and the status quo. But that didn't stop the morons at the National Review from listing what they consider the top "conservative rock tunes" You really need to read this:
http://scottpeterson.typepad.com/leftofthedial/2006/05/rockin_the_righ.html
Are they joking? I mean, the top, number 1 conservative rock and roll song (according to these idjits) is The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again", the one that starts out "We'll be fighting in the streets / With our children at our feet / And the morals that they worship will be gone." That is so far left it's anarchic. The Beatles' "Revolution"? Revolution is a conservative concept? I don't think so, repression, yeah, revolution no. And even the ones that don't directly contradict conservative principles, I think they read too much into. "Janie's Got a Gun" is not an advertisement for the NRA. In "Wouldn't it Be Nice" the Beach Boys are lamenting that they cannot get funky until after they get married, not praising the institution.
Oh, and "Stand By Your Man"? Not by any stretch of the imagination a rock song.
They really don't get it, do they. They never have -- that's why their great God Reagan co-opted The Boss's "Born in the USA" as his theme song. The crepuscular old fart thought it was a flag-waving my-country-right-or-wrong anthem.
Morons.

Books I've read in 2007, part 1

I've had to cut down a lot on my reading now that my job actually requires my attention. When I was in the Port Police I did most of my reading at work. (And if that makes you nervous about maritime security, good, it should.) But I haven't given it up entirely, I just read more discriminately.
"Tuxedo Gin" is certainly no "War and Peace". It's not even "Maison Ikkoku" or "Oh My Goddess" (my two favorite mangas). But it is consistently funny. As soon as I hit one volume that doesn't make me laugh, I'll move it off the docket for something else.
"Tuxedo Gin" is the story of a young man in love with a beautiful girl, he's a boxer about to turn pro. Everything is going his way. Then he dies in a bicycle accident. But that's not the end -- some odd old Buddhist spirit-angel-monk dude descends and tells the guy he can have his body back if he lives out a normal lifespan as an animal. I guess he should have picked a fruit fly or something else that only lived a few days, but he is so besotted with the girl that he chooses to be reincarnated as her favorite animal --which is a penguin. Eventually he comes to be adopted by the girl and -- as they say -- wacky high jinks ensue. The fact that the boy still thinks he's a boxer and tries to fight everyone who menaces Minako (which happens with alarming frequency) is a running gag. And maybe it's just me, but seeing a penguin fighting a man is always funny. So are his attempts to stave off the attentions of lady penguins. Great stuff, highly recommended, especially if you're a fan of offbeat romantic comedies.

Happy Birthday, Julie!

On this date back in 1929, one of my favorite artists, Jules Feiffer, was born. Feiffer had a long-running and, as you can see in the above example, often timeless and prescient strip in the Village Voice called, appropriately enough, Feiffer. It ran for 42 years and won him a Pulitzer prize (then the ageist bastards at the Voice fired him cuz they thought he was too old, but we'll avoid discussing anything unpleasant on his birthday. )

In addition to his cartooning -- which was good enough to get him into the comic book hall of fame, he's also a screenwriter (Carnal Knowledge) playwright (Little Murders) illustrator (The Phantom Tollbooth) and he also has an Oscar to go next to that Pulitzer. And even though Will Eisner usually gets credit for the first graphic novel, I think you can make the case that that distinction belongs to Feiffer for his excellent book Tantrum. (Even though Eisner's A Contract With God was published in 1978 and Tantrum in 1979, A Contract With God is not a novel, I don't care the comic historians say, it's a collection of inter-related short stories.)
Tantrum is about a man who's tired of being a husband, tired of being a father, tired of being a man, who wills himself through a terrific tantrum to regress back to a two-year-old, and what happens after that, which is hilarious and heartbreaking and always thought-provoking.
Since the Voice silenced him, Feiffer has been busy doing childrens' books like The Man in the Ceiling and A Room With a Zoo, all of which I also highly recommend.
Happy 78th, Jules Feiffer, and many more!

G and R Lies

According to VH1, "November Rain" is one of the 20 best music videos ever.
http://www.vh1.com/vspot/index.jhtml?id=1547027
(And in fact Guns and Roses are the only act to have more one video on the list and they have three.) Me, I think it's one of the worst. I've mentioned before how much I love this song, but as with a lot of songs I like, when I watch the video I wonder if the artists have ever read the lyrics. I mean, "November Rain" is about Spring and hope and renewal. The video is about death and loss. What the hell?

Wow, I am fantastic

You know the Bible 98%!

 

Wow! You are awesome! You are a true Biblical scholar, not just a hearer but a personal reader! The books, the characters, the events, the verses - you know it all! You are fantastic!

Ultimate Bible Quiz
Create MySpace Quizzes

Pictures from the Polar Plunge

Your results:
You are Green Lantern

Green Lantern 85% Superman 65% Spider-Man 65% Robin 62% Catwoman 50% The Flash 45% Wonder Woman 42% Supergirl 42% Iron Man 40% Hulk 35% Batman 35%

Hot-headed. You have strong will power and a good imagination.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

Our 38th president passed away died on Tuesday, so in a span of 3 days we've lost the hardest working man in show business and the only US President who was never elected as Prez or VP. In 1976 I was 18 years old so that election was the first one I voted in. I liked Ford and I voted for him -- the last time I ever voted Republican for president. I even invited Jerry and Betty Ford to my high school graduation. They didn't come -- probably afraid (as I was) that I wasn't really going to graduate -- but they sent a lovely signed card, which might have sparked my interest in autograph collecting. (I can't remember now if my first autograph was Gerald Ford or Johnny Rodriguez.)
I have two Gerald Ford autographs in my collection:

An E-mail conversation

Oh no, what have they done to my sweet Betty Cooper? That was the subject heading and it went from a discussion of comic book beauties to -- well, you'll see.



ZAN: Did you not read the post? They made her more contemporary to showcase their "timelessness" and "adaptablility".

ME: I read the post. The Statue of Liberty is timeless. Does that mean we should give her a facelift to make her look more like Britney Spears?

ZAN: Betty and Veronica were already sluts. I admit into evidence:

(And here he linked to a drawing of Betty, Veronica and Archie at the beach. They are enjoying the sunshine and the summer and none of them is wearing anything above the waist.)

ME: Wearing a monokini does not make one a slut.

ZAN: I think that might be part of the definition of slut.

ME: I think you might be a tad provincial. Do you think every woman on the beach in Italy and other European countries is a slut?

ZAN : If the shoe fits. . .

ME: What shoe? Generally, if you're topless at the beach you're barefoot too.

ZAN: You're generalizing.

ME: Good one, Mister Irony.
But seriously, that picture does not look like two sluts and a dude. It looks like Betty and Veronica and Archie having good wholesome American fun at the tops-optional beach.
And anticipating your question: Yes, I would tell my daughters the same thing -- if you've been dating the same boy for 50 years it's okay for him to see you topless.

ZAN: So he's been two timing them for 50 years and that's ok?

ME: He's not two-timing anybody. He's just taking his time making up his mind. So yeah, if you've been dating the same guy for fifty years -- even if it's non-exclusive -- he can see you topless.

ZAN: I can forward that to Cricket and Leah?... and mom?

ME: You can but you don’t have to, I’m putting this whole conversation up on Green Genius tonight. I would do it now but this computer at work gets all wonky when I try to blog.

ZAN: I can't wait. And btw, wonky isn't a word regardless of what google says

ME: Hmmm, that's funny. Dictionary.com says it is:

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/wonky

but I guess that just means Dictionary.com is a dumb slut now that the walking dictionary is back on the job.

(And this is a reference to Zan once upon a time (when Kim and I could not find the Scrabble dictionary) calling himself the Walking Dictionary until he swore that "Gramps" was not a word -- which he still swears to this day despite the fact that it's in every dictionary ever made.)

ZAN: Dictionary dot com couldn't define themselves out of a wet paper bag. I guess I need to take the reigns again and assume my previous role.

ME: Absolutely. And as reluctant as I am to quibble with the WD himself, I think you mean "reins".

ZAN: Bah.

Old letters

I was looking through my Microsoft Word files and realized with a start that some of the letters in there are almost 11 years old.

Here's a couple from 1996 to the Post and Courier, one of my favorite penpals of the time. Evidently I didn't think much of their TV critic or their book critics.

Dear Editor

The Post and Courier really needs a TV critic.
Yes, I know you have Frank Wooten, but his columns are so full of his right-wing political opinions and constant tiresome slams at Hootie and the Blowfish, he must fancy himself an editorialist or a music critic.
One thing he definitely is not, as evidenced by Friday's spiteful and muddleheaded hatchet job on vegetarians, is a biblical scholar. He misquotes Genesis 1.28. It does not say that man shall have "dominion over the beasts of the field". And he totally ignores the next verse, Genesis 1.29, where God states: "Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat."
His characterization of vegetarians as "kooks" is just another example of Wooten using his column as a place to grind his own personal axes. And bringing Adolf Hitler into it is reprehensible. Hitler was a vegetarain, but so were Albert Schweitzer, Mahatma Gandhi and St. Francis of Assisi. What does that prove?
It proves that the Post and Courier needs a TV critic.

Sincerely,


Robert Loy

Dear Editor;

Sometimes I wish I subscribed to your right-wing, reactionary rag just so I could angrily cancel my subscription every time you insulted my intelligence -- which is daily.
Lately your book reviews have gotten as muddle-headed as your editorial page. Alan Kovski dismisses Harlan Ellison as a "gusher of cuss words" and his writing in "Edgeworks:Volume One" as dated because it was written in the 1980's and many of his "ideological foes have faded from the limelight." (Although it appears to me that Jerry Falwell and Phyliss Schlafly and others of that evil ilk are still very much with us.)
Is Mark Twain dated? Is Ernest Hemingway? After all, World War Two and the days of riverboats on the Mississippi are over. Does Kovski know that Ellison's book "The Glass Teat" is still required reading in many college media classes even though it ostensibly concerns itself with television of the late 60s and early 70s? Ellison's writing is timeless, as evidenced by his many Hugo and Nebula Awards (for science fiction writing) his Edgar Awards (from the Mystery Writers of America) and Writers Guild of America Awards (for television script writing), as evidenced by the Edgeworks project which is reprinting virtually every word of his 40-some odd books.
That you give some narrow-minded Philistine space to call one of the greatest writers of this century a "gusher of cuss words" makes me mad.
Cancel my * never mind.


Sincerely,


Robert Loy

New Column

This is my new column for Country Standard Time Magazine.

TIME IS NOT ON MY SIDE


I should know better by now.

In fact, I do know better.

I know they’re lying when they try to lure me in, promising it’ll be different this time. I’m completely onto their game.

But somehow or other I fall for it again.

No, I’m not talking about Sarah Evans inviting my wife and me over for another “quiet, wholesome” evening at home. I’m talking about those damn lists that media people love to make, especially at this time of year. The latest one to roil my blood pressure is Time Magazine’s list of the 100 greatest and most influential records ever made. (If your systolic and diastolic are a little low, you can jump start them at http://www.time.com/time/2006/100albums/)

Even before I look at any of the specific albums, I can see Time has gotten off on the wrong foot with me. They’ve broken down the albums by decade and there’s only four from the 1950’s, and nothing earlier than Frank Sinatra’s “In The Wee Small Hours” from 1954. So what about Jimmie Rogers, the father of country music, and the Carter Family, the first family of country music? What about Louis Armstrong, who was more influential than R.E.M. (who are on this list twice) and AC/DC and Metallica – unless by “influential” you mean “influencing crappy garage bands who will never know more than a couple of chords.”

Well, all right, let’s take short-sightedness and rock-centricity as a given, and look at what is here.

Among the usual suspects, “Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” and “Led Zeppelin IV”, that make briefly think this is actually a list of the most overrated albums ever, I see there ain’t much country music – one from the 2000s, two from the 90’s, none from the 80’s, 2 from the 70’s, 2 from the 60’s (although one of them is by Ray Charles, not primarily considered a country artist – and that’s the kind of thing that gives me an insight into how these lists are compiled; they probably get close to the end, and somebody realizes there’s nothing by Ray Charles and somebody else notes they could use another country album from the 60’s and voila, two birds meet their demise with one LP (“Modern Sounds in Country Music”).

No Merle Haggard, no George Jones.

Let me repeat that for you. No Haggard. No Jones. On a list of the greatest and most influential albums of the century!

So somehow country music, which has become arguably the dominant musical genre of modern times, and inarguably was one of the building blocks of rock and roll, did all this without the Hag or the Possum or the Singing Brakemen – despite the fact that you’d be hard-pressed to find any country singer worth his cheese grits who wouldn’t list one or more of these people as influences.

How is that even freaking possible?

All right, all right, I’m going to take a deep breath, try to relax. I know these lists are not meant to be definitive, they’re just to fill pages or bandwidth during the holiday season. At best all they’re meant to do is get readers thinking.

And it’s working.

Me, I’m thinking of canceling my subscription.